i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
you never un-have a 4some
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
