It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
