I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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