Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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