She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
