The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
