3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I want her autograph on my taint
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
