I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
