Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
