My friends, they love my intelligence
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
