omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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