I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize