Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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