I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize