Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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