I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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