I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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