I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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