I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize