i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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