My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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