I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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