we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
