Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
