We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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