But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
