wat bout pragnant strippers??
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
