Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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