My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Will you blow on my dice?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
