I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
