I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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