If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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