I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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