Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
