alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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