He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
