Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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