I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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