The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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