i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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