remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
