if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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