I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
