life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
