it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
