FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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