i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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