If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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