I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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