Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize