What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize