i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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