my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
