he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
