Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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