I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
