btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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