the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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