seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
