Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
