My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
