"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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