What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
