Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
