Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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