Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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