Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
